Haverbrook Episode Twenty-One
[read the previous episode here]
John Thorne’s Journal
My second teleport accident, at the Outer Frontier experimental labs, left me unconscious in that almost familiar field in Monmar. Bits of teleport debris from another universe lying around me. Nine years of my life erased.
At first, I didn’t know what was happening. I hadn’t remembered this place. Then I saw the bits of teleport debris. People joke about being able to go back in time to relive a part of their life. I don’t. Each time I wake up on the rough grass and open my eyes into the sunshine, I fight to remember why I leave the empty hillside.
So why do I step into that experimental teleport to redo these same years over and over?
The first time it happened, I fooled myself into believing it was an opportunity. I could relive nine years differently. Like persuading Amy not to go back to the city. Having at least a few years with her and creating a beautiful baby boy.
But having lived the second time differently, I trapped myself into repeating the same events. If I didn’t have the teleport accident, would I’ve been able to keep my life with Amy?
I’ve had many years to study what science I could find. To find a way to avoid the accident and keep my life. But if I step into the test chamber, I know what happens. Each time, working to make sure it happens the way I want. I’ve been through enough iterations with Amy and Charlie, it’s like I’ve spent a lifetime with them. Never aging.
After the first few iterations, Amy stopped questioning our meeting at the grocery store. Whatever I asked her, she always said, “Yeah.” Somehow she kept memories of previous iterations that her conscious mind couldn’t reach. She always asked if we had met before. I had to tell her no. I think it’s a lie. But is it?
I wonder how I escape complete insanity. If there were a canary to my eventual breakdown, it’s the ‘dress.’ This dress Amy bought at the thrift store when she first arrived in Haverbrook. It was blue with little flowers all over. One time I tried to track down that dress before she bought it. Just so I wouldn’t have to see her in it for the first time, again.
The first time I convinced Amy to stay with me in Haverbrook, I wondered if she only came to me because she was desperate. Did she only stay because I gave her a life she couldn’t have on her own? And the comfortable feeling she had with me each time we first met for the first time. The subconscious memories of previous iterations was proof she loved me.
Or maybe it was a form of entropy. Are my timelines bleeding into each other? I don’t think this can continue indefinitely. Eventually, I’ll have to stop volunteering to test the teleport chamber.
This journal is a record of iterations. Each time writing as much as I can remember. Starting over, the red journal is waiting for me at the bookshop in east Haverbrook. Sometimes I think I shouldn’t write anything down. I wouldn’t have to lock Amy out of my office to keep the journal hidden.
I wonder what Charlie looks like as a grown man. If he even lived that long. What Amy would look like with gray hair. Would Charlie have a family of his own? Would Amy remarry after my accident? Did each iteration live on after my accident?
Iteration: 16